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The Anti-Army Wife

June 28, 2010

So is there an “Official Code” of army wives? If so, what do you think is in it? As time goes on, I consider myself the “Anti-Army Wife.” Before you get your tail feathers ruffled, it doesn’t mean I am anti army, it means I don’t feel like I fit the “mold” of military spouse. I’m not going to get into too much detail on that, because my personal beliefs might offend others. But for example, looking around post (and off) most spouses my age have been married a few years and have a couple kids. Not me. To be honest, it makes it really difficult.

I don’t talk too much here about our miscarriage, but it adds insult to injury walking around everywhere and the “norm” being families. I have not adjusted well to life here. It’s not easy to find other girls to spend time with because they are busy with play dates and changing diapers. I take care of a baby 50+ hours a week at work and emotionally, I am not able to be around “families” too often.

Another reason I feel out of place, is I have a job. Now before people get upset about that one…I’m not saying all military spouses don’t have jobs…but a lot that I know…don’t. I can accurately say that 75% of the girls I’ve met don’t. Literally. 3 out of 4 girls I know don’t have them. While there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to work or staying at home, it’s yet another thing that separates me from connecting with other girls here. I work 50+ hours a week and I live 30 minutes from post. When I get off work around 6/6:30, I don’t feel like driving a half hour to go hang out for an hour and get home at 9pm. Not to mention, that leaves me no time with my husband. Also, I don’t have the luxury of just being able to take off and do whatever, whenever. I can’t go grab some coffee in the afternoon, go work out at the gym together, or just go hang out and shop during the day. I work. Tonight, I had to go to USAA and deposit my pay. There’s only one branch, it’s 30 min away…next to post. Then, I had to run to Target and then, I went tanning. I barely made it home by 8:00pm. My husband passed out about an hour later. It’s exhausting.

So, there ladies and gents are a few reasons I feel like I don’t fit the mold of Army Wife. I don’t mean for it to sound whiny, but I really can’t wait to get back to “normal life.” I don’t hate or dislike this life, it’s just not something I want to be a part of forever.

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. June 28, 2010 10:58 PM

    I don’t have much to say about the army wife thing, since I’m not one, but I AM a USAA member. Don’t know if you know it but if you receive checks you can scan them in to USAA on your computer or deposit them by taking a picture on your phone through the USAA app. It’s SO easy and available in your account immediately (which is awesome). I didn’t even know USAA had any branches! There never have been in any of the 5 towns I’ve lived in while a member so that’s what’s always worked for me.

    • welcometothelife permalink*
      June 28, 2010 11:01 PM

      Yeah we don’t qualify for the scanning because we have to have a loan or a credit card through them and we don’t, nor do we want either of them. The branches are only in TX so far and they will only be near military posts. They are making more in the future ;)

      • MeganDubyuh permalink
        June 29, 2010 9:32 PM

        Do you have a phone (ie. iPhone) that has the USAA app you can deposit your checks that way too. If not USAA used to offer postage paid envelopes through UPS so that you didn’t have to pay postage because they didn’t have convenient locations. You could see if they still offer the prepaid envelope service.
        As for not fitting in to the Army wife mold: is that really that bad? I don’t feel like I fit in to the mold either. If you ever need to commiserate about not feeling like you “fit in” then you can send me a message because I bet I have felt the same thing.

  2. June 29, 2010 7:29 AM

    If you support your husband threw many army hardships you still “FIT THE MOLD”. You would be surprised how many of us stay at home wives are jelouse of you. You think we want to be at home all day doing laundry. Deffently not. LOL. I have met many wives without kids and working, it amazed me still what amazing army wives they are. You fit the mold. You may also have a little more in common with stay at home wives then you think, some might be heavely active in FRG, work from home, or go to school. Your a newbie, its going to take awhile to find your groove. Dont give up hope.

  3. June 30, 2010 4:01 PM

    Girl, you know you and I are very similar, and that I can relate to this post 100%. I think those of us who aren’t the “norm” need to stick together better — because we are definitely out there. I completely understand the working thing, as well as the kids/miscarriage thing.

    Hang in there, girl.

  4. July 3, 2010 11:51 AM

    I don’t think there is a mold or an Army Code…I thought that was the stupidest thing I ever read when I read the book years ago (long before Army Wives came out on TV).

    I think you need to be true to who you are regardless of your husband’s profession. Army life isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. Some families thrive and others merely survive, that’s just the way it is.

    I don’t “work” and I had all 3 of my boys by 25, so what. That was what fit for me. Having been down the road of miscarriages and loss of children, I understand somewhat the pain you are going through. It’s hard and your feelings are justified.

    I am educated and I choose to stay home for various reasons, none that I need to justify.

    Girl, you need to find where you are happy and if it’s not Army life that is okay. We are still all individuals beneath the stereotypes laid upon us. You can still be a supportive spouse without doing all the things “other” spouses are doing.

    As far as USAA, order direct deposit forms and mail it in, since you are close to the main branch in San Antonio it really doesn’t take but a couple days.

  5. liz permalink
    July 8, 2010 3:59 PM

    As a self hating army wife I’m with you!

  6. Kristy permalink
    August 2, 2010 12:56 PM

    Wow!!! This is incredible, I thought I was the only one who felt exactly like u. I too have no kids and work full time at a bank. My husband is currently deployed and we r stationed in Germany. Sucks!!!!!!!! Everyone is unemployed with kids. I have one friend that I can count on and thank god for her we r on the same boat. I am also Anti Army Wife and I”ll be damned if I ever attend a freaken FRG meeting.

  7. Amanda Spenyovics permalink
    November 10, 2010 12:08 PM

    The army is tearing my marriage apart. Now matter how private I try to keep my marriage the army finds a way to get it there and mess it up. I am not one of those Proud army wives. I am just a woman who loves my husband and he happens to be in the army

  8. Koyness permalink
    November 6, 2012 5:06 PM

    You are not alone! I’m an older wife (26–all the wives I’ve net are much younger). We have no kids, I have my own job and career, and I feel exactly the way you do. Glad I found this!

  9. Brooke Brinkley permalink
    April 8, 2013 1:16 AM

    I wish you were stationed in Korea!! Everyone here has kids and I mean EVERYONE. Lol I’m a 20 year old with no kids and one dog. My husband either has training exercises almost every month or is working late everyday. Sucks so much since like you said, most of the wives are busy changing diapers or hanging out with other mommies. I don’t fit in at all! I dropped my schooling to move over here and haven’t been able to start because of issues with my classes and scholarships over here. Leaving for the states soon so i can get back to it! I hate to leave my wonderful husband but i just cant take being a stay at home wife only waiting for my husband to come home like a sad puppy.

  10. Jeanette permalink
    August 22, 2013 11:11 PM

    I have felt this way for the past 3 years since my husband joined the army. I don’t like going to frg meetings cause I cannot relate to anything they are saying all spouses want to talk about the whole time is what type of clothes or toys they got their kids recently in detail. We have no kids and all the other wives always ask me when or why we haven’t we had any kids? I am seriously starting to believe people get jelous because I’m 25 working and have a career. I am sick and tired of being treated differently like I’m an alien or something from a different planet. I feel like I have to fight my case everyday with spouses and I just want to be left alone at the end of the day I avoid meetings bbqs and run ins. Thank goodness I found 1 spouse in the same situation I am in that I can talk to. I’m glad you posted how you feel i feel like the military should support more spouses with education and more jobs since we have to give up so much to have a life with our husbands. I’m not complaining i am just stating how i feel and my opinions on what i have seen in real life in germany and now his 2nd duty station and overall ever since i became an “Army wife” peace :)

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