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He’s the caffeine in my coffee…

August 25, 2009

So for me, everything just seems better and brighter when I get a morning wake up call from my soldier. Now, when I’m counting on those calls and they don’t come…that’s a whole ‘nother story. I try really hard to take each day as it comes, knowing that this is Army life and nothing is for certain…but some days are easier than others. The other day was a perfect example of how thing can go from all-together to total meltdown.

First let me give you a little background about my soldier and I. We met 10 years ago, in high school, and which class it was I don’t remember…but ask him and he’ll tell you. We were friends, never close, but friends none the less. After high school we lost touch and went about our merry ways. I often wondered what happened to him just because he was one of the “nice guys” in school. You know, you have those “my s**t don’t stink” types and the ones who are just all around good people. Anyway, so we re-connected thanks to the wonders of Facebook a few months before he left on his first deployment, late 2008. At first, conversation was sparse and random but after I sent that first care package in the Spring…boy did that change. If you want a soldier to fall in love with you, send him some goodies from home. HAHA JK But anyhow, we started talking almost everyday and eventually it turned into multiple messages and telephone calls. We were getting to know each other on an incredibly awesome level and although the distance was tough…it was nice to be able to have a no pressure way of getting to know someone. So flash forward a few months and here we are. I’m his world and he’s my rock. Before I go blabbing about how much I love him…let me continue 🙂

So I’ve been adjusting to “THE life” as my good friend Reina and I always say. I don’t come from a military background so this is all pretty new to me. I consider myself an independent girl and prefer to have my own space and time rather than a relationship that is constant, everyday, and all day. You know…the ones where your girlfriends have crying fits if their boyfriends go out with their friends instead of them for one night? Yeah…not my thing. Not to mention my heart was pretty scarred from some recent relationships (okay and maybe one not-so recent) so I was going into this with the emergency brake already on.

So this past weekend our usual talking schedule was thrown. I had a good friend visiting from my hometown and on top of that, training at Walter Reed. (I’m going to be an AFTB Instructor…more on that later) So even though he was calling me to wake me up in the mornings and I cherished those few minutes…I still missed our hours on end yahoo chats. So much was happening during the day and I was excited to tell him all about it but just couldn’t. As all of you military girlfriends know…we can’t text or call our guys when we have something to say. We have to hold onto it with all we’ve got and try to remember it for the next conversation and by that time…it’s not as important as it once was. So long story short I had raced home from getting out of training early, got an amazing text message which translated to letting me know he was online. I was STARVING but decided to skip the Firehouse Sub that was calling my name and talk to my soldier. FINALLY. Well, not so fast. He was talking with a good friend and some fam back home on webcam. Okay, I understand so I leave and grab my food. Race home again and this time…he’s doing fantasy football draft. Okay now I love, love, love me some football but for those 2+ hours he was doing that I hated it. By hour two it was naptime for me. I was exhausted. So I asked him to text me when he was done, the only way I can wake up from a deep sleep. So I get the text about an hour later (so now we’re 3+ hours into this and it’s 11:30pm his time), jolt out of bed that very second…and he’s gone. I get a text message a few minutes later saying “hey im just going to go to bed dont worry about getting up i love you and ill call you in the morning.” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That was it and the tears started flowing OUT OF CONTROL. I lost it! Completely lost it. Stupid delays! I had held it together for many months, very rarely ever shedding a tear…I was my own deployment cheerleader. I was mad at him, mad at myself, angry at the situation, sad…everything you can imagine. I think I got even more frustrated that I was mad at him…knowing he didn’t do anything wrong. He was passed out in bed, 7,000 miles away…completely oblivious to the waterfall that I just unleashed and I’m mad at him??? The next morning the phone call didn’t come and that just made my day even worse. He was busy, which usually…I’m a thousand times understanding of and it never makes me sweat but this was just a giant snowball effect.

My point in all of this is that we girlfriends/fiancees/wives know that we have to be strong for our soliders. They are doing a job. They are on a mission. They are going through hell to make things okay for us back home. We have heavy loads to carry back home also and sometimes, we just break. We can’t be ARMY STRONG all of the time…and that’s okay. We’re human. We fell in love with a man in uniform (MIU as I like to say) and our hearts lost all control. So sometimes, it’s okay to feel like the world is falling apart. It’s okay to grab a bottle of wine, curl up with The Notebook, and let it all hang out. Sometimes, it’s even okay to let them know that as strong as you’re trying to be…sometimes it’s hard.

I’m blessed with a soldier who is very loving, supportive, and understanding and I hope all of you ladies have that too. I try to involve him in as little of the drama and garbage from back home as I can, just to make him rest easier at night. But I’m so blessed to know that when it all falls apart, he’s right by my side even half a world away.

And if you’re wondering…he called me this morning right on schedule and even though I was running off of about 4 hours of sleep…just that one phone call jolted me and gave me the strength to get through the day.

It really helps to have a good support system around you from the military community…even if it’s a virtual friendship. I met a super amazing girl named Reina (who I’m sure you will hear about often) through Twitter. Her boyfriend is also an amazing guy and a Marine who is currently CONUS, but lives several hours away. She knows the military life and is my venting source when I know I can’t vent to my soldier. By the time I pass things through her, other military friends, and my mom…I’ve come up with a solution, calmed down, and can still tell him…but he doesn’t have to worry because I’ve already come full circle. That’s my suggestion to you girls. When it all falls apart, somebody has pissed you off, or you’ve got some issues back home…lean on your friends and other family members, take a deep breath, think it through, and then keep your soldier informed but let him know you’re okay now and have it all figured out. You might not agree and that’s just fine, but something I wanted to toss out there to everyone because I know it works for me.

Love & Hugs!
~Shan

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Kim Creel permalink
    July 4, 2010 6:35 PM

    Thanks for your blog even many months after you wrote it. I’m going through some of these same feelings and some of the changes you talk about in your later notes and it’s really just an encouragement to know that someone else made it through it.

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