The Joys of Baby Fever
In the spirit of finding the most amazing blog ever (http://elizabethnieman.blogspot.com), I’m blogging about my very own baby fever.
Oh baby fever, how you’ve struck in a major way. What ever shall I do with you?
This isn’t something that’s slowly crept up or even came on full force within the past few days or weeks. Nope, I was bitten by the baby bug long ago. I’m that girl who has dreamed of her wedding since she was a little girl. I’m that little 5 year old girl who used to stuff a pillow in her shirt and pretend that drinking water would get me pregnant. And late at night, after my parents kissed me goodnight, I’d sit there and pretend to be delivering my beautiful, adorable, baby…aka pillow. Intense right?
Let me tell you where my true baby blues began. If only things were as simple as drinking water to get pregnant. Sipping some magical potion and BAM. Not for me. Not even close.
Without getting to descriptive, I knew something wasn’t right for years. I finally wised up at the age of 19 and went to a reproductive endocrinologist. I was tired of my gynecologist telling me to just “keep on the pill” and not worry about it. I had cysts, they ruptured, and I was hospitalized…but she refused to operate on me because I was so young. Well, I wasn’t satisfied with that answer. So off I went at 19 and basically single to a doctor who specialized in making magic happen for people who had trouble. I sat in the waiting room amidst happy, loving couples and binders FULL of notes of thanks for making baby magic. At the time, I had an inkling of what was ahead, but didn’t totally know. They ran lots of tests, did internal and external exams, and came up with a low progesterone level, tilted uterus, and inovulation. A recipe for disaster. The diagnosis was basically…”You can’t get pregnant on your own. Come see us when you’re ready, and will hook you up with the magic baby potion.” Okay, it didn’t go down that way. My fertility doctor is an absolutely amazing man. He has an incredible heart of gold and I love him dearly. Oh and 5 years later…to now…they finally diagnosed me with PCOS aka Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Sounds yucky right? It’s what I thought I had all along. For info on that, here ya go: What is PCOS?
So, I walk out of a doctors office at 19 years old wanting to both panic and say…”Eh, who cares. I’m 19″ all at the same time. I immediately went to my boyfriends house at the time who gladly proclaimed “HEY! We’ll just adopt. My sisters will have babies for us to spoil.” He couldn’t have been better about it and looking back it was a pretty mature response for someone like him. I pretty much shrugged it off and marched on. It really wouldn’t be THAT tough would it?
Flash forward about a year or so later. Maybe longer. That relationship ended and I was onto the next. I sound like a player don’t I? I assure you I’m not. New boyfriend’s mom is throwing a baby shower for someone at their house. I knew in my heart I couldn’t handle it, but why not? I’m nowhere near baby making criteria. I set foot at the front door plastered in blue “It’s A Boy” signs, open the door…and the tears hit like a Mac Truck. Oy. I had to leave. I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t about throwing a tantrum because it was something I couldn’t have, it just hurt. How could it be so easy for some and so hard for others? I’ve been around children my entire life. I’ve spent YEARS as a teacher, nanny, and grief facilitator for kids. How could God take that one thing away? I was going to be a GREAT mom. Why?
Thus began about a two year stretch of really painful times for me in Baby Land. I constantly tossed and turned at the idea of never being able to hold the bundle of joy I had longed for since before I knew how babies were made. I’m usually good at letting go…or rather…I can do it pretty quickly. I’m a big believer in God and that through Him all things are possible, but this I just couldn’t let it go.
Nobody would understand. “Shannon, why are you worried about babies? You’re 21?” I had nobody to talk to because girls my age weren’t thinking about babies and they didn’t go to a doctor who told them that when they would start thinking about it, it would be a problem. Women who were experiencing infertility were married and realizing it at an age 10 years past mine. How could I talk to them and explain how I was feeling when I was long from where they were? It was a lonely, miserable thing that hid inside of me. I wanted to be happy for people close to me who were pregnant, but inside it pained me like no other. I was invited to my cousins wifes baby shower, but couldn’t begin to think about going.
So what changed? I really don’t know. I think it was my Faith in God deepening. I finally did let go of the worry. Is it still a concern, sure. Even when my best friend got pregnant a little over a year ago, I felt that all too familiar tinge for just a second. But then I remembered that God would make it happen for me in just the right time and in just the right way. It’s something I have absolutely ZERO control over. That’s pretty scary. And we’re not talking about entering to win a sweepstakes here. This is a baby.
So flash forward to now. I’m stuck in baby fever. Not “Whoa is me, I might not have a baby,” but “Dude, I really want a baby. NOW!” My mom was 19 when she got married and 21 when she had me…so I try to justify it that way. I’m behind! But, it didn’t work out so well for her. I’ve always been that girl searching the pages of Posh Tots (aka DEATH to the wallet) to find the most awesome crib and bedding for my future little angel. I’ve always been the one constantly pairing first names with middle ones in an effort to find THE name. Forget whether or not my future husband had any say. This was a decision being made without his input. HAHA Well, now I do have a future husband. That part of my life is soon to be checked off the list. So exciting.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve found him. I’ve found my husband and the person who will be the father of my children. Oh, I forgot to inform you that I’ve also been dreaming of that moment. Perhaps the most vivid of them all for me. Yeah you know the one…you’re making that final push…you’re holding his hand, he tells you you’re beautiful, and he starts to cry. Next thing you know, there’s a loud cry, you collapse, and there is the little bundle of joy you’ve been dreaming of your entire life. And the most amazing man by your side. And your life is complete. Yep. That vivid for me. Call me crazy, but it’s been like that forever. Now I have a face to go with that dream. My FH is going to be a FANTASTIC father. He cannot wait. Well, if you want to get technical…he can. HAH But, you know what I mean.
I think it’s just the overwhelming amount of love we do have for one another. I want to see what our babies will look like. I want to have that moment where I get to surprise him with the news and where he gets to watch my tummy grow. I want to watch him put together the crib, curse a few times, and finally look at the directions. (in all fairness he IS a directions guy) And I want to have THAT moment.
I know. I know. Everything in due time. We have a long life ahead of us. Now isn’t the right time. I get it. That doesn’t make the baby cravings go away. It used to be that watching YouTube videos of deliveries made me instantly say NO WAY or going to the grocery store and hearing the screaming, tantrum-filled kids. That doesn’t even do it anymore.
But, I think I have the right to want and to dream. To hope and to love. Even if I’m loving something that won’t be in my arms for quite some time.
Oh, and we’ve already agreed on a name. It was quite cute actually. I think he asked me first what I wanted for a girls name. He wants 3 girls. I say that’s too much estrogen. My response and his jaw dropped. It was the same exact name he had wanted since he can remember. Our first girl will be Emma Grace. Oh, how I can’t wait for you to be here. ❤ All in due time.