Confession: I don’t feel married :(
Yeah. I have a confession to make. I don’t feel very married. Aside from the ring on my finger, I can’t tell. This living apart thing SUCKS. Oh, and let me warn you…if you’re not in the mood to hear some complaining…stop reading now.
I think I’m still struggling with the fact I didn’t have a proposal, I never felt engaged. My mom had my grandmothers ring sized, I walked in the door, got the box, hubs wanted to put it on me and he did. A week later we were married. I signed up for it, I know. I agreed to these things. It’s just really hard for me. I didn’t totally love the dress I got married in either. Trying to find a white tea-length dress in the Winter is like finding a needle in a haystack. I probably came across three the entire time that were affordable…meaning like $100 and under. In all fairness, we did stop by the Lilly Pulitzer store (I SO wanted to get married in one of her dresses) and they didn’t have anything white.
I missed the shopping with your mom, your girlfriends, and giggling over all the fluffy white dresses. I missed the down on one knee with the ring of your dreams. I missed the picking out your invitations, bridal tea, and celebrating with family and friends. Our “ceremony” lasted all of like 3 minutes. I don’t even remember what was said because I was crying and just felt so distracted. I would have given anything to have a minister perform it. Time and money didn’t permit that. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’m sure that’s how some will perceive it…but it’s super tough. It eats at me still.
I’m that girl who flipped through bridal mags in middle school. I’ve dreamed of how my future husband would pop the question. I dreamed of celebrating with family and friends…everyone with a smile on their face and a drink in hand. Planning other people’s weddings for a living, makes it that much harder. I’m in the midst of planning one now and one of my besties is planning hers too. Maybe I’m just a little planning envy.
I hope our time will come. We plan on doing something for 2012 but nobody knows what the future holds. Not to mention, more than anything the hubs and I want to be parents. So, we’re shifting focus to that and I’d gladly put wedding plans aside to be a mommy.
My name hasn’t been changed yet. I tried to do that today for my SS#, but hubs didn’t return my papers soon enough. Friday it shall be, but even then…my drivers license can’t be changed until March when I go home to Florida. I just want to be Mrs. P.
So, couple that with the fact my husband is in another state…it’s a recipe for disaster. We got married and 4 days later we were separated again. I get that it’s the military life. I get that deployments keep you separated…but my husband is home. He’s here and we can’t be together.
I’m trying to remember it should all be over in a matter of a few weeks. 5 to be exact. It’s just really weighing on me that this is supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. I’m married. I found the man God had wanted me to have for eternity. I’m just not happy and that sucks. This too shall pass right?