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Confession: I don’t feel married :(

January 27, 2010

Yeah. I have a confession to make. I don’t feel very married. Aside from the ring on my finger, I can’t tell. This living apart thing SUCKS. Oh, and let me warn you…if you’re not in the mood to hear some complaining…stop reading now.

I think I’m still struggling with the fact I didn’t have a proposal, I never felt engaged. My mom had my grandmothers ring sized, I walked in the door, got the box, hubs wanted to put it on me and he did. A week later we were married. I signed up for it, I know. I agreed to these things. It’s just really hard for me. I didn’t totally love the dress I got married in either. Trying to find a white tea-length dress in the Winter is like finding a needle in a haystack. I probably came across three the entire time that were affordable…meaning like $100 and under. In all fairness, we did stop by the Lilly Pulitzer store (I SO wanted to get married in one of her dresses) and they didn’t have anything white.

I missed the shopping with your mom, your girlfriends, and giggling over all the fluffy white dresses. I missed the down on one knee with the ring of your dreams. I missed the picking out your invitations, bridal tea, and celebrating with family and friends. Our “ceremony” lasted all of like 3 minutes. I don’t even remember what was said because I was crying and just felt so distracted. I would have given anything to have a minister perform it. Time and money didn’t permit that. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’m sure that’s how some will perceive it…but it’s super tough. It eats at me still.

I’m that girl who flipped through bridal mags in middle school. I’ve dreamed of how my future husband would pop the question. I dreamed of celebrating with family and friends…everyone with a smile on their face and a drink in hand. Planning other people’s weddings for a living, makes it that much harder. I’m in the midst of planning one now and one of my besties is planning hers too. Maybe I’m just a little planning envy.

I hope our time will come. We plan on doing something for 2012 but nobody knows what the future holds. Not to mention, more than anything the hubs and I want to be parents. So, we’re shifting focus to that and I’d gladly put wedding plans aside to be a mommy.

My name hasn’t been changed yet. I tried to do that today for my SS#, but hubs didn’t return my papers soon enough. Friday it shall be, but even then…my drivers license can’t be changed until March when I go home to Florida. I just want to be Mrs. P.

So, couple that with the fact my husband is in another state…it’s a recipe for disaster. We got married and 4 days later we were separated again. I get that it’s the military life. I get that deployments keep you separated…but my husband is home. He’s here and we can’t be together.

I’m trying to remember it should all be over in a matter of  a few weeks. 5 to be exact. It’s just really weighing on me that this is supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life. I’m married. I found the man God had wanted me to have for eternity. I’m just not happy and that sucks. This too shall pass right?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 27, 2010 1:30 AM

    My Husband has been in the Army 7 years this may and we will have been together 7 years next month. So I know ALL about separation. The first 4 years we were together we were actually together, in person, 8 months because of the Army. And then of course he was in Iraq for 16 months, didn’t see him for 12 months straight. I have been blessed enough to have him home for the past 3 years, only because he is not deployable at the moment, got hit by a mortar in Iraq and is hurt. Being with a military man is far from easy, but I promise it is ALL worth it! I wouldn’t trade my life nor my husband for anything in this world. I know you are not happy, but you should be. You should look at everything you do got. Family, friends, a husband, who you will be with soon. It could be worse and he could be deployed for a year. Just think, in a short few weeks you will be in his arms! And living together and waking up next to him. 🙂 One thing I have learned as an Army Wife, when I am not with my Husband, STAY BUSY! And it will make the time fly by! Hang in there girl, you will be with your Soldier very soon! 🙂 I’m always here if you need to talk. I’ve had my fair share of being apart. *HUGS*
    -R

  2. January 27, 2010 6:44 AM

    *hugs* to you. I pray the time passes by quickly for you. You will be in his ours making your home together soon. And it will be amazing 🙂

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