The Bigger Picture

Today was just one of those days. Completely and utterly emotionally overwhelming in so many ways. I don’t think I’ve felt this many emotions in one day.

Good news is mixed with bad. I finally did hear from the FH but my fears of why it had been so long were true. There was a communications blackout. I don’t want to say too much about it and I don’t know details and don’t need to. All I know is it happened and I know what it means. The FH talked to me about it for a bit and for once, I wish he would have lied. I can usually handle that very well and indeed I still did. He couldn’t hear me sobbing as he explained the reasoning behind the lapse in communication.

It had never struck me that way before. Perhaps because that’s been one of my biggest fears during this deployment. You always hear about things happening right before the guys come home. It’s completely unfair. I know war isn’t fair. I know life isn’t fair. But please!?! Why!?! I am such a strong and faithful believer. God is my rock but this makes you almost just want to turn and question. My heart is heavy and hurting for the families. I just don’t understand. I just don’t.

We’re THISCLOSE to being done. I don’t want to exactly declare due to OPSEC, but believe me when I say. We’ve gone through this entire year. We’ve made it. He’s alive. He’s whole. I am so so so so so thankful for that. Nothing can happen now. It just can’t. I won’t let it. Right? Like I have any control over that.

In a way, I feel guilty for asking for prayers on Twitter from everyone tonight. Somewhere there is a family who needs them more than I do. I sometimes feel guilty that my soldier is coming back safely. I know they go through that sometimes themselves when they witness comrades falling. I never thought I would feel it. I feel bad for rejoicing he’s coming home soon and safely. It’s strange.

It all becomes so real. The bigger picture. You have zero control. You can pray and hope and dream and all of it. In the end…I guess all you can even TRY to cling to is the fact they are over there doing something they love. I know this is something FH has felt passionate about since high school. He wanted to join right after graduation, but waited. He loves his country and loves what the Army stands for. I can’t fathom what I would do with my life if ever, but I would have to try to remember this.

On another note, one of my good friends found out today that her husband is deploying in the coming months. Ugh. I know she is a super strong and solid woman and she has a great family, a wonderful husband, and supportive friends. It just plain sucks though. It just makes me think of the big picture. The whole cycle. Someone goes, someone comes back. It’s someone elses turn. I just wish it could stop.

On another note, some pointless drama on Twitter went down and I’m not even going to address it here. It was a perfect day for it to happen because all you need is a day like this to remember the bigger picture. None of that matters. None of it. You win some. You lose some. You can’t please everyone.

I just want him home. I need him back. I’m waiting.